Do You Need Therapy or Just Have Undiagnosed Perfectionism?
“Perfectionism is characterized by striving for flawlessness in combination with tendencies for overly critical self-evaluation.”
–Dr. Thomas Curran
Perfectionism is NOT having high standards, working meticulously or rigorously, or being conscientious. Those are all okay ways to be; what makes similar behaviors perfectionist is adding the undertone of constantly needing to repair something that is defective within ourselves.
I’ve always wondered why we have ANTs (automatic negative thoughts) but not APTs or anything positive in our mental or behavioral tendencies as humans. We average 12,000 to 50,000 thoughts per day, with 80% negative and 95% repetitive, according to NSF. While not all thoughts classified as negative are inherently destructive or damaging, most Americans have plenty of self-critical, judgmental thoughts that certainly are.
Perfectionists are characterized by these thought patterns, as well as being highly reactive to stress, particularly stress in competitive environments. They report elevated levels of shame and guilt upon making mistakes. Any setback for a perfectionist is like a car hitting a pothole with no shock absorbers, while less sensitive folks may have a smoother ride.
As much as perfectionists would agree with societal inputs that they themselves are to blame for their problems, it is clear that society is actually to blame here. Our white-supremacy-based culture has a twisted view of mistakes. Mistakes are seen as personal, i.e. they reflect badly on the person making them as opposed to first assuming an accident or miscommunication, etc. A person is linked to their mistake — they didn’t do something wrong or incorrectly, they are wrong and incorrect as a person. Society creates and then constantly reinforces a need for self-blame. Attempts to repair our flawed selves can be made through “proving” ourselves in the world.
And the world is ready to literally score those attempts. While meritocracy is a false construct in America, we do embrace the fact that sorting people — by talent, achievement, class, or demographics they can’t control — is the most effective way to organize them within a modern capitalist economy. We grade children on tests, with standardized testing increasing in use; workers are continuously evaluated and reviewed. From sports pros to salespeople, metrics of success are measured in hard numbers, where perfectionists’ already high guilt and shame could be further publicly broadcast if they don’t measure up.
Parents feel the pressures of socially perceived perfectionism double-time because they are under severe scrutiny to be perfect, and then they also consciously or subconsciously take on the success and failures of their children, thus not ever wanting them ever to fail either. Children can start to perceive unrealistic performance standards as attainable. It is a vicious cycle, because their effectiveness declines — from overworking to compensate for failure, or due to depression/anxiety from being self critical or receiving criticism — and that lack of effectiveness can actually hurt performance and spark the cycle over again.
Today’s children do report in surveys that the standards and criticism they receive are on the rise. This increase is inline with that, according to some data, the pressure of socially perceived perfectionism is only increasing every year. It really started trending upward in 2008, whether because of social media taking off and/or a financial crisis, we do not know.
Even with the potential for shakeup the last 20 years has given us, society has doubled down on the value of competitive individualism. Our definition of success can only involve ourselves and maybe a very small select group of people we define, or create, as our family. I need to get my house, my car, my career (not just a job!), my spouse, my great kids (not opiate addicts), and my valuable belongings. There is no “our” in an individualistic capitalist culture. Perfectionism can’t even make sense as a concept once you reach out beyond the bounds of yourself.
We have seen these ideals for personal success modeled for so long that we believe they are both obtainable and desirable.
We have all learned and seen modeled these ideals of a perfectible life and lifestyle for so long that, though unrealistic — and possibly not even what many of us want — we believe that this “American dream” is both obtainable and desirable. And if it comes at a cost to some personal time, a little sleep and energy, well-being — did we ever have that to begin with? — then it is an honor to be self-sacrificing in the pursuit of excellence.
How do I push back and get well?
Respond to anxious and self-critical self-talk with “What if they do think that?” “So what?” and see that there’s not much to fear when you really play the tape through.
When you or a force outside you inevitably draws attention to your imperfections, acknowledge that but move forward compassionately. Anything you can’t accept in yourself you can’t accept in others.
Surround yourself with people who offer psychological safety for you to show your authentic self, not your idealized self.
Review what’s going well. What are little successes you’ve had throughout the day?
Say an affirmative statement before you start anything. “I am running late to this appointment but I am going to drive safely and do my best to get there as soon as possible.”
Self-care can be prophylaxis. You do not need to wait to burn out first before doubling down on your sleep, movement, and leisure. If you feel like your putting achievement on the line, know that you could actually come to the table tomorrow with more energy, ready to focus and be productive, rather than always pushing through and feeling half good, working half well. Author Martha Beck remembers, upon observing lions in the wild, her friend remarking, “You know, they rest like they mean it.”
“Most humans, by contrast,” she says, “rest in a state of anxiety, guilt, and unease. We don’t mean it. This keeps life’s downtimes from fulfilling their natural function, which is to restore and heal.”
I wish you restoration and healing, and that as a perfectionist in recovery you can create a life that requires even less of it.
Sincerely,
A Recovering Perfectionist
Sources:
K. Jones & T. Okun (2001), Dismantling Racism: A Workbook for Social Change Groups, 2001.
T. Curran (2020, Nov. 19), “Perfectionism: The hidden epidemic?” University of York.
