Bill introduced to ban “enjoyment trafficking” for women

SATIRE

Idaho state legislature is poised to pass “House Bill 242, which creates a brand new crime — abortion trafficking — that is defined as the transportation of an Idaho-based minor to another state for an abortion without their parents/guardians’ consent. The bill would make so-called abortion trafficking a felony offense that is punishable by 2–5 years in prison.” — Chris Walker for Salon.com

Amid rising fears of women not staying where they belong and can be properly monitored, the state legislature has introduced a bill to create a new crime — enjoyment trafficking — defined as the transportation of women to other states for the purpose of enjoyment.

Everyone knows that Eve enjoyed a bite of a delicious fruit. Then that was enough of that. Ever since, no human woman has deserved to experience enjoyment. Their bodies exist only as earthen vessels into which God can weave eternal souls. Those souls are then passed either into male human bodies, primed for enjoyment and pleasure of all kinds, or into female human bodies, to continue this same process.

Our state has gone to significant, and successful, lengths to diminish opportunities for women’s enjoyment in our state. However, that has caused a spike in travel out of the state. The new law would apply to anyone who facilitates a female resident in having an enjoyable experience outside the state, whether it is friend, family member, stranger, or just the woman herself driving a car (though there is a bill in the works to help reduce that nonsense as well).

Enjoyment trafficking includes everything from long-distance travel to amusement parks, nature destinations, and beaches, to just going over the border for shopping at the outlets or because they have better falafel there.

Potential problems with enforcement have been raised. For example, how can police or citizens tell if a woman is crossing state lines for enjoyment versus non-enjoyment activities, such as job attendance? Even if police, and private citizens, were authorized to stop women to ask, most women are crazy and/or liars, so how would their answer help?

While it won’t happen overnight, the state is pursuing solutions. Early discussions have started around drafting a bill to criminalize interstate non-enjoyment activities of women as well in order to reduce this confusion — such as employment, medical appointments, children’s play dates, or gift-giving “showers.” Our government knows that all women belong in the home, in a straightjacket much of the day, consistently pregnant or actively giving birth. House Rep. Sandra Stevens said, “The enjoyment trafficking bill is one step closer to this vision for the future that we all share.”

When asked if she would still be a legislator after all of these laws went into effect, Rep. Stevens said, “Of course not! But it’s more important to keep my membership in the boys’ club now, which gives me the most freedom and enjoyment possible until that future comes. Supporting this legislation is one of the only things I’ve found that secures my membership.”